Heidi and Jared are one of our couples who, like many others in society, are unable to have children. Community provides an opportunity to fill some of the gap left by infertility. This recent Mothers Day had a wonderful blessing in store for Heidi.
I was musing about this Mothers Day as I arranged silk flowers for our community’s summer mantle. What a strange mix of a day it had been. It started with the realization that I really don’t like Mother’s Day. Ugly sentiment, isn’t it? Especially since I have a great Mother and am surrounded by friends who mother their children in incredible ways. So what an opportunity to affirm these women and the way they give of themselves for their children. And I was trying to focus on this today. NOT the thought that I would like to be a mother or “maybe next year I’ll be a mother” or “I wonder if I’ll ever be a mother”.
I was moderately successful at refocusing because one’s mind can repeat the same mantra for only so many years before one reaches a state of nausea. And not nausea from morning sickness, either. From sick and tiredness of mourning. Surrounded by a wonderful husband and a group of friends who love and nurture me, I didn’t want to waste another day in the downward spiral of self-pity.
Thankfully, God helped bring new light into the day through what two people shared in our Sunday service. First Butch thanked God for his wife, but also for all the ways his children have mothered by many people in community other than his wife. Then Betty talked about Jesus has won the victory over death – including any loss involved in giving your life away.
It all came back to me then. The memory of the fear of being alone and rejected that haunted me when I was single. And how Jesus carried me through those years so tenderly that in the end I was able to embrace singleness as a beautiful calling. Now that was miraculous! He triumphed over my fears and made “ a home for the lonely” (Ps. 68:6), surrounding me with these families here in community.
In the light of that, how ridiculous this fear of missing out on motherhood is. I am surrounded by children to mother. He gave me these maternal longings not to frustrate me, but as a gift to give away. I saw these last 16 years of loving and teaching and playing with the children here in a more intimate light. My Father doesn’t call those years barren. And even though I haven’t always opened my eyes to the beauty of the opportunities before me, I have loved these babies. Last year I saw the preschoolers I taught when I first came graduate from High School. They’ve always called me “Aunt Heidi”. And being a part of this rich family has been more than just a role. But in today’s service I started to realize that I am an honorary mother, also.
At a break in our service one of my friends came up and thanked me for mothering her through the years. I held her and cried, remembering holding her as a nine-year-old and appreciating the dear friend she has grown to be. I also knew this was an affirmation of what God was saying to me. Maybe Mother’s Day wasn’t so dreadful after all!
So here I was at the end of the day putting all of this together as I arranged flowers. And I wished I had an outward way of recognizing this Mother’s Day as a new beginning in the way I saw mothering. Since my husband was traveling today, I wanted someone to share this newness with. Then in came five of the teens with beautiful flowers and a Mother’s Day card for me. “We wanted to thank you for being a mother to us all these years,” they said. Wow. I was stunned and amazed. How did they know? I hugged them and blubbered out thank-yous and told them they couldn’t possible know how much this meant to me. How incredible, that they would do such a lovely thing on this day.
After they left I was free to cry out my praise to God. He has seen me be an emotional basket case before and isn’t embarrassed by it! How like my Father to pour out blessings on me in this loving and generous way. I have spent many years longing to be a mother and have been one all this time to these children. What delicious irony! In God’s economy I discovered today that I am not barren at all. I am a Mother. Incredible.
“He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord” Psalm 113:9
Those silk flowers I was working on might need to be redone. You see it has a wildly ecstatic feel to the end of it – far too unconfined for a floral arrangement. I had to take out this exuberant joy on something! And I think I’ve changed my mind about Mother’s Day, after all.